Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
