I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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