then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
