finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
