Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
did i just pee glitter
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
