What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
