dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
