Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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