I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
