It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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