Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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