Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
