also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
