I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
