sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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