____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
