hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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