After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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