Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
