I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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