dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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