I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
