Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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