i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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