Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
