Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
