I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
