1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
