I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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