please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
