I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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