Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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