she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
