I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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