when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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