I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
