I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
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I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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