lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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