Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize