I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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