I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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