wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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