just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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