I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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