Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
