she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
