I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I AM VODKA MAN
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
