I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
