Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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