I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
