I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
