I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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