be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize