you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I still have a little drunk in my system
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
