Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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