When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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