I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
