even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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