Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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